I recently found myself in the romance section of a bookstore. I will admit I have read a few romance novels. However, I am to much of a prude to read the more steamy scenes without blushing. While I was looking through the different books and reading the backs of the novels I found certain similarities between them all. It seems that all romance novelists are required by the industry to adhere to the same outline. The way I see it, if you have a firm grasp of the more erotic adjectives in the English language, anyone can write a romance novel. In fact, I'm pretty sure if one looked, you could find an ad lib version of the romance novel. Though I don't know how well readers would appreciate the space left to describe a kiss being filled with a word like lifeless.
The first rule of writing a successful romance novel is to find a Chippendales reject for the cover. These books are covered with the same type of male. This male doesn't need to be smart, doesn't need to be straight, and doesn't even really need a pulse. As long as the male in question has a huge chest, killer abs, and wavy long hair you're good. I believe all the male leads in a romance novel can all be described the same way. If you can say, "as he walked down the deserted beach she watched as the muscles in his back flexed and relaxed one by one under golden, sunkissed tan skin. The moonlight played against the peaks and valley of his stomach and danced over his roped shoulders," you have romance gold. All male cover models have the same hairstylist. And while he always looks like he just stepped off his Harley, sailed the globe, or just stepped out of the shower, they all have the I-didn't-try-to-look-this-way look down. In reality, what does their hair truly say? It says that the male in question uses shampoo, conditioner, deep conditioning hydrating hair mask, detangler, mousse, gel, hairspray, blow dryer, flat iron, curling iron, and possibly, those little pink sponge curlers we used to sleep on as young girls.
The second rule of writing a successful romance novel is to have two main characters who are dealing with a tortured past or secret who have decided they would remain single for the rest of their lives. These characters could be human, vampire, werewolf, shapeshifter, demon, witch, wizard, or any combination half breed. They all have the same basic back story. Each character is depressed with their life. They feel they will never have thier happily ever after and have resigned themselves to such a fate. Then they are flung into a completely unbelievable situation that can only come from a writer with no love life and an over active imagination. The back of any romance novel reads like this. Bricker (because all men in romance novels have names that sound like last names or dog names) is an ex special forces opperative (because no real romance man would be an accountant) who has lost hope in humanity. His time spent serving his country has left unseen scars on his soul (because PTSD is way sexier then the loss of a limb or a gunshot wound to the belly). He is troubled by unseen demons (being haunted by the spawn of Satan is much cooler than having bad dreams and flashbacks). His life is turned upside down when he meets the beautiful (because romance women are all cast from the same mold as Angelina Jolie) Stephen (because all romance women have male names). Stephen is a successful attorney (because while all romance men barely passed their GED, romance women all went to Harvard on an academic scholarship) who has dedicated her entire life to her career (because all romance women are workaholic spinsters at the age of 24). When the client of a pro bono case (because all romance men are demons and all romance women are saints) becomes obsessed with her, she must rely on Bricker to save her life (because romance women always put thier lives in the hands of total strangers). Will their love be able to survive when things take a turn for the worst (because it can always get worse than being hunted by a homicidal maniac)?
The third rule of writing a successful romance novel is to have your main characters in the sack within twelve hours, in love within 72, and engaged within the week. When a romance couple meets the meeting usually goes like this. The woman finds herself in peril and the man intervenes to save her life. She thanks him for his kindness. When he insists on following her home she protests but he refuses to hear it and, much like her stalker, he follows her to her house. When they get there she refuses to let him come in. But again he insists on checking her house, much like her stalker, to make sure no one is lying in wait. She makes him leave but, much like her stalker, he sits outside her house in the shadows to make sure she is "safe". When the villan breaks into her house the hero busts down the door chasing him off. In thanks of his heroic actions, she sleeps with him. In the morning she thinks she made a mistake and runs him off. But he won't accept that she's not giving "them" a chance so he starts following her again to protect her from the man following her. He saves her life again, they sleep together again, and when they wake up in each others arms the following morning he tells her he loves her. She doesn't reciprocate but, after he saves her life again, the cold footed companion confesses her undying love. Several more life and death scenarios later, they're engaged, even though they don't know each others religion, occupation, partner history, or last names.
The fourth rule of writing a successful romance novel is that the two main characters have terrible communication skills. It is inevitable that every relationship will have misunderstandings or assumptions. In the romance novel these are completely blown out of proportion. The female character will inevitably overhear the male saying that he likes it when he stabs... He then moves into a soundproof room where he continues his statement. Rather than listening in at the door or asking him to finish his sentence later, the woman sneaks out of the house convinced that he is going to stab her in her sleep. Later the male searches the house for his missing woman. Upon realizing she is gone, he doesn't call her on her phone because he's certain he has failed in protecting her and she has been kidnapped. Upon coming to this conclusion he doesn't call the police or FBI (usually because he is convinced that with all their forensics capabilities, trained investigators, negotiators, and the entire criminal justice system at their beck and call, they are worthless and he alone can save his love). He starts a search for her that comes up with nothing (and he's shocked by this) so he decides to break into her house, roll around on her bed, and fall into a state of alcohol induced depression the likes of which the Betty Ford Center has never seen. When he breaks in she attacks, he holds her down, she yells "I won't let you stab me", he's confused, she repeats what she heard, he says "I was saying I like to stab my steak with a fork when I'm grilling rather than use a spatula to turn it", she can't believe she thought that about him, then they sleep together...again (because nothing puts you in the mood more than clearing up that your lover is in fact a carnivore, not a cold blooded killer).
The fifth rule of writing a successful romance novel is that you have to wrap up the dangerous situation, love situation, and the future situation in the last five pages. While 95% of the novel is filled with the meeting, misunderstandings, fights, time apart, and romps in the sack, the novelist can completely wrap up the lovers lives in five pages. To do this the author usually brings in an absolutely unrealistic situation. It usually goes something like this. Just as the villan is about to slit Stephens throat in front of Bricker the sun explodes killing the villan while leaving Stephen and Bricker unharmed. They rush into each others arms vowing to never be seperated by more than three inches for the rest of their lives. Publishers clearing house knocks on the door to give them a giant check worth $100,000,000.00. She reveals that she's pregnant. He picks her up absolutley thrilled to become a father with a woman he's known for a week and out of wedlock. His childhood dog, Rover, walks into the room unexplicably raised from the dead. And, wait for it,...they sleep together (because their is nothing that can't be fixed by a roll in the hay).
So what have romance novels done to our society? They have completely destroyed the institution of marriage. First of all young women around the world are all looking for male model, special forces vampires that are, quite literally, willing to die for them. They are convinced that marriage is nothing more than a life spent on the run and engaging in hot and heavy panting for the rest of their lives. They don't understand why only geeky, accountant, mortals who wear socks with their Birkenstocks are the only ones asking them out. After they lower their standards to marry the mortal accountant they feel they have been completely wronged by the universe because their spouse leaves his socks in a puddle on the bathroom floor. And that no one has ever tried to kill them thus not allowing their husband to save their life. They are stuck with a quiet, unexciting life of waking up to the one person in the world that knows all their nerotic tendancies and still loves them for it. They are trapped in a marriage, while maybe not as hot as a romance novel, is tender, loving, and peaceful. They will never be tied up in a dungeon waiting for their love to bust down the door to save them. Instead, she will be forced to wait for him to come home from work, gently kiss her, and tell her how wonderful and beautiful she is even if she hasn't had a shower or brushed her teeth that day. Over the years she realizes that even if her life isn't the heart pounding adventure she thought she wanted, it is the one she needs and loves.
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