Every night I kneel down next to my bed, fold my arms reverently, bow my head respectfully, and pray to the Lord asking for his divine intervention to be granted one of my dearest desires. What is this desire you ask, I want to be crazy. Now, I'm not talking about a split personality, delusions of grandeur, or schizophrenia. Those mental illnesses lack a measure of commitment. I want to be 100% undeniably crazy. There are so many advantages to being really crazy. I'm not talking about the lethal advantages that get an out of jail free card that comes with committing murder while insane, I'm talking about social advantages. What could these advantages be? Read further for a few reasons and maybe you to will want to join me in the nut house.
1) You can wear anything you want. Everyone has seen the old Asian woman walking through the street market wearing polyester plaid golf pants and a rayon paisley shirt that's two sizes to big. That's not crazy, that's sad. It's a sickness really that needs its own twelve step program. When one is openly crazy you can get away with wearing a toga to the mall, a big bird costume to your kids school play, and the back end of a horse costume to get the mail. Your fashion choices are limitless. Before going crazy you really need to practice this one. You don't want to put something on that isn't in your color wheel. Crazy is great, ignorance is not.
2) You can be anyone you want to be. Part of the American dream is that if you work hard you can be whatever you want. You can be a doctor, lawyer, and if you work really hard by the time your fifty you have the chance of owning your own hot dog cart in New York City. They are all THINGS you can be, I said anyone. You can be a fictional character, someone from the future, or anyone from history. I have a few people I want to be. I want to be Queen Victoria, Marilyn Monroe, and Minnie Mouse. Their have been a lot of crazies in literature and throughout history. Take Elizabeth Bathory, she used to drain the blood from servant girls and bathe in it because she believed it would maintain her beauty. Jim Jones poisoned hundreds of his followers by forcing them to drink cyanide laced grape flavored Kool Aid. Emporer Nero. Contrary to the popular saying, Nero did not fiddle while Rome burned. He is famous for blowing all the money in the empirical treasury to build massive works of art, stadiums, and theaters where he would perform plays he wrote himself and would often last for six hours or more. When you go crazy if your avatar is a crazy from history I salute you for your dedication to the crazy cause.
3) You can say anything you want to anybody real or imaginary. I have started using this one prior to being completely crazy. It is so much fun. If I need to say something to someone I just say it. I don't try to protect their feelings. I'm quick and to the point. You'd be amazed at how well people accept this. Most of the time they like being told the truth with out the sugar coating. When you add crazy to the mix you don't have to stop with being blunt, you can be downright rude. You can say to a bride on her wedding day,"who are you kidding. Do you really think anyone is going to think you should be wearing a white wedding dress. And while I'm at it you really need take the majority of that make up off. If your trying to convince people you're a virgin, you shouldn't look like a whore." You can tell a cop that pulled you over, "what are you talking about? I wasn't speeding and if I was speeding so were you. You pulled me over for crying outloud. Oh and by the way, that bullet proof vest makes you look like a wimp. Oh yeah, I'd watch that partner of yours.He stroking the shotgun and looking at you with extreme hatred." To the little kid waiting in line to see Santa, "You know Santa's dead right? There was a riot in the toy making barn. He fell into a machine making stuffed animals and he was turned into stuffing soaked with blood and guts."
4) You can now be hired to work in a job that requires you to be nuts. Every industry has a department or fringe that commonly attract the crazy. Like kindergarten teachers, a spokeswoman for an insurance company, and people who run a bed and breakfast that's haunted or built in the middle of a lava flow. Some industries are dedicated to the crazy. Take people who dress up like characters at amusement parks. How else could they handle hundreds of screaming kids with snot running down their faces mobbing you with autograph requests, hugs, and pictures. Cab drivers. No one but the insane would think it's a good idea to completely cover your dashboard with bobblehead dolls, hang fringe around the entire roof of the car, install a horn that plays music by a Mexican horn band, and think you care about his great grandmother still living in Pakistan suffering from gout and arthritis. Professional wrestler. No one this side of the barbed wire fence of a state hospital would agree that being slammed into a mat by some one the size of Goliath would make a great career.
5) You are instantly famous. If you live in a small town or are part of a neighborhood everyone knows you. People smile at you like they would a small child and say hi. They have probably given you a nickname like Mr Happy or The Empress of Little Italy. You may even have a series of urban legends explaining how you got the way you are. Maybe they think your mom used to wash her clothes in your bath, while you were still in it. Or they could think you woke up one night and butchered your family with a replica Viking battle axe causing you to go nuts. They may think you were raised by a she wolf and had a hard time assimilating back into the human population. Maybe you were abducted by aliens that conducted experiments on your body leaving you ten cards short of a full deck.
So next time you see your local crazy person don't look at them with pity or fear. Look on them with envy and respect. They have achieved what many of us want, a unique identity. They have no problem with the world because they don't live in the world, they live in a fairy world where they are the center and everyone else is just scenery.
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